So I know I had things I wanted to write about, but now that I have a good opportunity to sit down and write, it all seems to have left me and I can’t seem to remember what it was that I specifically wanted to discuss. Oh well, can’t be terribly important if I can’t remember, right? Maybe it’ll come back to me later. In the meantime I’ll just write about whatever comes to mind. I still want to write that part two to my previous blog post about my history, but that requires a much more serious and deeper mood than I’m in or want to be in right at this moment.
Things are going pretty well right now. I’m registered for classes starting this fall. Online classes since I’ll still be working then, but should be free to physically go to classrooms come spring semester. I’m really excited about eventually not having to worry about scheduling things and working around a work schedule that is unpredictable and takes me out of town or out of country so much. This will be the first time since reaching adulthood that I’ll be able to focus on school and not have to balance a full time job with it. I’m really grateful that August is giving me this opportunity. It’ll be a little bit of role reversal as I shift towards school and he, having recently graduated, eventually finds a job and becomes the primary source of income for a while.
Speaking of not working, I have a little over 5 months left at my job, which is really exciting. If you haven’t read my previous posts, it is because of my job that I haven’t started physically transitioning yet, and have only socially transitioned in my personal life. Still living as female as far as work is concerned. I’m fulfilling my contractual obligations, but am eager to move on to the next stage of my life. August and I have talked about how early I’d probably be able to start T without it making too noticeable of a change before I leave this job. What we’ve discussed is possibly starting about a month before my last day. At that point, even if they catch on, which seems unlikely, it would take them longer to kick me out than it would take to just let me leave as planned. Some Google research has told me that with the policy at a specific local health care system, I’d need to visit them about a month prior to when I’d want to start. So, little over 5 months until I’m done with this job, 4 months until I could be starting T if I go ahead with what August and I have been considering, which would mean in a little over 3 months I could be at the clinic getting blood tests and starting the process.
After waiting so long and watching August transition and reading about others’experiences here on WordPress, it’s a little overwhelming to think that my turn is finally coming up. For so long it felt like it was so far away, this thing I could see on the horizon but never seemed to get any closer, and then all of a sudden it’s there right in front of me. I’ve dealt with a lot of depression issues during this period of waiting since I came out to friends and family as trans. It’s been hard to go back and forth between being myself at home and in my personal life and falling back behind that mask that I wore for so much of my life while I’m at work. To work in a male dominated environment where nearly every day the fact that I’m physically a woman is brought to my attention, that results in certain behaviors and treatment by coworkers… The holding back on jokes because they are afraid of offending the woman in their company, the insisting on taking anything heavy from me and carrying it for me, the asking my advice about women and what their girlfriend or wife might like as a gift, often jewelry related, because obviously as a woman I would have some insight for them despite the fact that I’m not exactly feminine in appearance, behavior, or interests. There is rarely a day that goes by that the fact that I’m not one of the guys to them isn’t made painfully obvious. The social dysphoria I feel in the workplace is a challenge to deal with. The idea that this is nearly over and I can be living as a man in all aspects of my life in the near future is a very powerful thought. I feel a little less burdened, a little brighter with each passing day now. Soon I’ll go to the clinic, soon I’ll start hormone therapy, soon I will be forever done with this job and this double life. I know transitioning comes with its own challenges and it won’t fix everything, but I look forward to facing these challenges as me and finally taking off the mask for good.
Granted, we’ll see what my insurance situation is then, I’ll have to use whatever coverage August gets when he gets a new job since I obviously can’t use the health care provided by my job. Not sure what the out of pocket expenses would be without insurance. Everything I’ve read and knowing how much August’s T costs, the prescription itself we should be able to afford, but I’m more concerned about the clinical visits and the blood tests. I’ll have to look into that more in case things don’t go quite like I hope in regards to insurance. It may set me back on when I’d like to begin my transition, but hopefully not by too much. I do have options for after I get out of my current job if we don’t get adequate insurance from wherever August ends up working, but I’d have to wait until I am officially done with work and I suspect the process is probably longer than the clinic I’ve looked into.
In other news, things are going well on the fitness front. I recently hit 205 lbs on my one rep max deadlift, which was exciting. That’s about 1.71 times my body weight, so closing in on being able to deadlift two of me. I feel like I have more personal records to beat in other lifts coming soon as well. Getting back into things after our trip to San Fransisco is going well. My strength hadn’t left, though my endurance suffered after those 3 weeks of not working out, but it’s coming back quickly and I’m finding myself starting to perform closer to my expectations again. I’m looking into participating in my first crossfit competition soon, if I can find people to form a team with. I decided to compete as female, even though most the people at my gym know me as a guy, since I haven’t started T yet. I’m trying to be realistic about my performance capabilities since, regardless of how I identify, I’m facing the same physical limitations any woman would face. It just makes me that much more excited to see how much my strength grows when I do start and future competitions that I’ll be able to enter as male.
The whole 30 is going pretty well, I’m not taking it too seriously though. I just finished a whole 30 recently and my birthday was just the other day and I wanted a birthday dessert. Everybody deserves a birthday dessert. I think the next time I do a whole 30, August and I are considering doing it once a year, I’ll do a better job planning it for when there are no special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) or major holidays. That really seems to be the only times we feel that tempted to cheat. Outside of that it’s not all that different from our normal mostly paleo eating habits. Other than dairy in the form of heavy cream in our coffee and occasionally eating rice, most the time we have anything that isn’t whole 30 approved is when we eat out, which we don’t do that often.
Anyway, much like last time, I’m feeling leaner and stronger during this. I’m looking forward to taking measurements and after pictures at the end of this to see what my results are. I haven’t felt much of a change in my energy levels or digestion and such that I felt during the last whole 30, but again there wasn’t much time between that one and this one, about a month, so there wasn’t as much to work out of my system this time around. The results will likely be less dramatic this time around since it is so soon after the first one.
I feel like this pretty much sums up the current events of my life right now. I’m sure the other stuff I had wanted to write about will come back to me later, hopefully at a time that I’ll actually be able to do some writing.