4 Months to Freedom

So, it’s time for me to do a life update.

Since I’ve been back from the deployment, things have been kind of a challenge.  I was having mood issues, much like I did after the first deployment I went on.  I started thinking about it and I kind of wonder if having spent 7-8 months sharing a small living space with 60+ females really throws my hormones out of whack in addition to the normal difficulties of readjusting to being home.  Most things I felt I had adjusted to, changes with August and the way he does things now, getting back to being comfortable socializing again, but my emotional stability was still not there, particularly around my period (oh man, I can’t wait to not have those anymore), which cramps are usually more of an issue for me than my emotions around that time.  However, during the entirety of the deployment and for a couple months afterwards, I was regular to the day.  I’ve never been that predictable, though I got fairly predictable during the previous deployment.  I’m usually very irregular, so that would be a sign that the women around me during the deployment had a significant effect on my hormones.  I’m wondering if it was so much so that it was affecting me emotionally as well and took a couple months to get back to my normal cycle.  Oh well, who knows, I just know I had this same problem after each deployment I’ve been on.

Things have finally gotten better, though.  My mood has improved to nearly normal, if not completely there.  I’m listening to happier songs on a regular basis.  My music choice tends to reflect my deeper mood, even when I’m at a temporary high point, so listening to more upbeat music would signify this is a more permanent mood improvement.  I’m glad to be back to normal, and really glad that I won’t be going on any more deployments so won’t be something to worry about.  Today I realized I’ve been telling people I have about 5 months left where I work, but then stopped to think about it and I really have 4 months.  It’s going by faster than I realized 🙂

As I’ve said before, I’m ready to move on from this job and get to start my transition and be myself all the time, instead of just in my personal life.  One of the songs that I’ve been listening to a lot lately I feel really reflects this desire to stop hiding.  Additionally, I think the song reflects my attempt to revisit and write about my past, which, as I come out of the funk I was in and am in a more emotionally stable place, is a bit easier to approach now.  I’ve already posted the first one, The Dragon, over the weekend.  There will be more to follow, though who knows how frequent they will be with my track record on making regular posts.  I may set up a separate area on my page for these posts later, but for the time being they’ll be with the rest of my posts.

So, couple weekends ago I competed in my first ever crossfit competition.  We did the team intermediate one.  It was so much fun.  I was really happy with how well I did with it being my first competition and competing in intermediate since this competition didn’t have a beginner bracket.  We didn’t place last, which was my only goal for our team, so mission accomplished.  I forgot how much I love competition.  I was a total band nerd in high school and the first high school I went to took their music program very seriously, frequently going to competitions.  I loved it, it was a world I really thrived in.  I felt a taste of that again during the crossfit competition.  I’m really looking forward to doing more of these.

This weekend August and I went stand-up paddle boarding, which is a fun activity.  This is the first time I’ve gotten to do this since I got back home since he was so uncomfortable with the idea of going to the beach before his surgery.  I don’t blame him, I’m certainly not comfortable with it either, until we actually get out on the water away from people.  I need to get some male tank tops that don’t won’t show that I’m wearing a sports bra underneath.  The tank tops I have now show the bra straps, unfortunately.  If I can find some of those, that’d help a lot with how comfortable I feel at the beach.  I wish I could just not wear a shirt like August.  Someday I’ll be able to, though.

Last week I started my online classes.  The first week was a little bit of a challenge to find my pace.  Multiple classes had the regular work load that I can expect to have throughout the semester, PLUS special assignments they wanted us to do to orient ourselves with the blackboard website and to ensure we understand class policies.  I always thought the first week of class should be a lighter load, not a heavier load, but apparently not all the professors got that message.  It’s okay, though, I got everything turned in, even if not the best quality, and have a better idea of how to balance school with work and personal life now for this week.  I think it’ll be easier from here, at least until finals.  When midterms come around, most the people from work will be out of town so my work load should be really light, which will help.

I think that’s all I really have to write about right now.  I’m sure I’ll have more to write about soon enough though.


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