Stalled Out and Down

I’m sure anybody that’s been paying attention to my blog has noticed I didn’t post my 4 months on T update.  I took measurements, recorded my voice, and attempted to take pictures for comparison while I was in Nevada on the day I hit 4 months.  I couldn’t get any pictures in the hotel that the lighting didn’t make like I was glowing brightly, which was frustrating.  I told myself I’d take pictures a couple days later after I got home, I never did though.  I started comparing my measurements and saw that I’d gotten smaller overall and stayed the same or slightly bigger in the areas I wanted to get smaller (waist and hips).  Additionally, when I listened to the voice recordings, I heard pretty much no difference, or thought I heard it as being slightly higher than last time… I’m pretty sure that was just my imagination or tone of voice or something, but definitely did not get any deeper.

I know the measurements has a lot, or everything, to do with having lived mostly out of a hotel room the last couple months.  Been mostly doing body weight workouts when I’ve had the energy after work to exercise because the gyms at the hotels have only really had cardio machines and the small towns where I’ve been haven’t had much in the way of gym options.  I’ve also been not eating as healthy as I usually do since it’s hard to do in a hotel room that is only equipped with a small fridge and a microwave.  I’ve started learning what some better options are food wise, at least, but that was after a while of eating out too much.

To put it simply, when I compared the measurements and the voice recordings I started getting really bummed out, feeling like I didn’t have anything to write an update about.  By the time I got home last weekend, I didn’t want to take pictures anymore, I don’t want to see that they look either exactly the same as a month ago or that I’ve lost progress.  I am already frustrated that I feel like I haven’t made any progress over the last month, and in some areas have lost progress.  I have an endocrinologist appointment in a couple weeks and plan to talk to her about not really being where I want to be at the moment and see about maybe upping my dose.  I know that August, and others that I’ve read the blogs of, increased their doses for a period of time for similar reasons, so I’m hoping to do that.  It was kind of depressing feeling like at 4 months, when I’m still being identified as female probably about half the time, things are already slowing down to the point of not having any changes to write about for the last month.  I know, I need to be more patient, and that it could have just been a fluke that nothing seemed to have changed when I did my 4 month comparisons… but still it really got to me.

The worst part of it has been that I’ve had this week off from work… a week home alone (August is out of town for work) at that.  That means I have had nothing but time to think and dwell on this, along with missing people and feeling really lonely.  I’ve entered into one of those unproductive, down in the dumps moods I hate being in and feel like I just keep being a burden to my loved ones because I’m feeling needy and/or irritable and sometimes really suck at keeping that to myself, as much as I really don’t want to subject people to that.  I’ll come out of it soon enough, I’m sure, but I’m hoping that I haven’t been too difficult or negative for people to deal with this week.

Being back at my gym again has helped some, even if I haven’t seen any real visible changes or heard vocal changes in the last month, the last couple times I’ve been to the gym this week definitely showed me that I’m at least still getting stronger, despite having been limited to body weight exercises.  August said something about thinking I’m going to be stronger than him soon after I hit my 95# snatch yesterday, not far behind his max snatch.  I don’t know about that, as I’m pretty sure I’m further behind him on other lifts, but I’m glad that I’m still making progress in the strength area.

Anyway, this week is almost over and as next week gets closer I’m starting to feel better.  I have a couple plans for the weekend and Monday I’ll be back at work.  It’ll be nice to be able to focus on work during the day again.  Having time to myself to sort my thoughts is great, but too much time alone with my thoughts just means I let my thoughts get the better of me.  Another thing that will help is that August will be home later in the week after having not seen him for about two months.  Also looking forward to visiting somebody in the not to distant future that I feel like it’s been too long since I last saw.  All this traveling for work definitely has it’s challenges, fortunately I’m scheduled to be working locally for a little bit now.

That’s pretty much all I have for this month.  Hopefully I have something better to write about at the 5 month mark… I’ll probably post something after my endo appointment, actually, so doubt you’ll have to wait until I hit 5 months on T to hear from me again.  Until next time.