Stalled Out and Down

I’m sure anybody that’s been paying attention to my blog has noticed I didn’t post my 4 months on T update.  I took measurements, recorded my voice, and attempted to take pictures for comparison while I was in Nevada on the day I hit 4 months.  I couldn’t get any pictures in the hotel that the lighting didn’t make like I was glowing brightly, which was frustrating.  I told myself I’d take pictures a couple days later after I got home, I never did though.  I started comparing my measurements and saw that I’d gotten smaller overall and stayed the same or slightly bigger in the areas I wanted to get smaller (waist and hips).  Additionally, when I listened to the voice recordings, I heard pretty much no difference, or thought I heard it as being slightly higher than last time… I’m pretty sure that was just my imagination or tone of voice or something, but definitely did not get any deeper.

I know the measurements has a lot, or everything, to do with having lived mostly out of a hotel room the last couple months.  Been mostly doing body weight workouts when I’ve had the energy after work to exercise because the gyms at the hotels have only really had cardio machines and the small towns where I’ve been haven’t had much in the way of gym options.  I’ve also been not eating as healthy as I usually do since it’s hard to do in a hotel room that is only equipped with a small fridge and a microwave.  I’ve started learning what some better options are food wise, at least, but that was after a while of eating out too much.

To put it simply, when I compared the measurements and the voice recordings I started getting really bummed out, feeling like I didn’t have anything to write an update about.  By the time I got home last weekend, I didn’t want to take pictures anymore, I don’t want to see that they look either exactly the same as a month ago or that I’ve lost progress.  I am already frustrated that I feel like I haven’t made any progress over the last month, and in some areas have lost progress.  I have an endocrinologist appointment in a couple weeks and plan to talk to her about not really being where I want to be at the moment and see about maybe upping my dose.  I know that August, and others that I’ve read the blogs of, increased their doses for a period of time for similar reasons, so I’m hoping to do that.  It was kind of depressing feeling like at 4 months, when I’m still being identified as female probably about half the time, things are already slowing down to the point of not having any changes to write about for the last month.  I know, I need to be more patient, and that it could have just been a fluke that nothing seemed to have changed when I did my 4 month comparisons… but still it really got to me.

The worst part of it has been that I’ve had this week off from work… a week home alone (August is out of town for work) at that.  That means I have had nothing but time to think and dwell on this, along with missing people and feeling really lonely.  I’ve entered into one of those unproductive, down in the dumps moods I hate being in and feel like I just keep being a burden to my loved ones because I’m feeling needy and/or irritable and sometimes really suck at keeping that to myself, as much as I really don’t want to subject people to that.  I’ll come out of it soon enough, I’m sure, but I’m hoping that I haven’t been too difficult or negative for people to deal with this week.

Being back at my gym again has helped some, even if I haven’t seen any real visible changes or heard vocal changes in the last month, the last couple times I’ve been to the gym this week definitely showed me that I’m at least still getting stronger, despite having been limited to body weight exercises.  August said something about thinking I’m going to be stronger than him soon after I hit my 95# snatch yesterday, not far behind his max snatch.  I don’t know about that, as I’m pretty sure I’m further behind him on other lifts, but I’m glad that I’m still making progress in the strength area.

Anyway, this week is almost over and as next week gets closer I’m starting to feel better.  I have a couple plans for the weekend and Monday I’ll be back at work.  It’ll be nice to be able to focus on work during the day again.  Having time to myself to sort my thoughts is great, but too much time alone with my thoughts just means I let my thoughts get the better of me.  Another thing that will help is that August will be home later in the week after having not seen him for about two months.  Also looking forward to visiting somebody in the not to distant future that I feel like it’s been too long since I last saw.  All this traveling for work definitely has it’s challenges, fortunately I’m scheduled to be working locally for a little bit now.

That’s pretty much all I have for this month.  Hopefully I have something better to write about at the 5 month mark… I’ll probably post something after my endo appointment, actually, so doubt you’ll have to wait until I hit 5 months on T to hear from me again.  Until next time.


2 Months on T and Getting Stronger

So I decided not to write the post on Thursday, when I hit the 8 week mark, and instead waited a few days to do a nice even 2 months in post.  I think this is what I’ll be doing for the long run.   I’ll post an update on the whatever week mark that is about halfway through the month with commentary on whatever I notice going on at the time, maybe some pics if I’ve noticed some particularly cool change.  The big updates, like today’s, will be on the month marks and will include all the measurements, comparison pics and everything.

So, the biggest thing that has happened recently in my transition is my strength gains.  In the last 10 days I have gotten 5 new records on various lifts.  The smallest of which have been 10# jumps.  Most of these I didn’t even push to my true max because I either ran out of time before the crossfit class was going to start, or I didn’t want to completely burn myself out because of what was going to be in the WOD, such as when I tested my deadlift and there were going to be box jumps in the WOD… I didn’t want to miss a jump because my legs were too tired and bang up my shins on the box.  So, yeah, huge strength gains all of a sudden in the last week or so.  It’s exciting to see the effects of T starting to kick in in this area.  Here are the lifts that I did.

Lift             Old Max            New Max             Difference
Jerk                   105#                   115#                      10#
Strict Press         70#                     85#                       15#
Back Squat        170#                   180#                      10#
Deadlift              230#                   250#                      20#
Bench Press      120#                   135#                      15#

As for measurements, I’ve gained quite a bit.  Below is a screenshot from the excel document I’m keeping record of everything in.  The pic shows all the measurements, the difference between current measurements and pre-T, as well as the measurements taken at the 1 month mark.  Measurements are in lbs and inches.  Most of my gains seem to be in my upper body, but my thighs have also become noticeably larger and stronger.  I noticed they looked different a week or so ago and have been really looking forward to taking the measurements today to see how much of a difference there actually was.


In my last post I mentioned having noticed some darker facial hair starting to grow in on my lip now.  I managed to actually get a picture of it before I shaved it off the other day.  I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get anything since it’s still really fine, but I definitely was able to capture some of it.  I’m pretty excited that it’s getting to be enough to show up on camera.  I feel like it won’t be too long before I’ll have to start shaving more frequently because I’ll start to get a wispy little shadow on my lip if I don’t.  A bad wispy mustache is not something I want to even attempt to rock, but it’s still exciting that it’s growing in just the same.  I haven’t noticed any dark hairs anywhere else yet, but keeping an eye out for them.  It’ll be interesting to see how much facial hair comes in grey too, since I have a decent amount of salt in my hair these days.  Wonder if I’ll be able to notice it growing in thicker as easily if it’s grey in some areas as opposed to the obviously darker hairs on my lip.  Anyway, enough speculating, here’s the pic.


And now for some comparison pics.  I’m so bad at getting the positioning the same in comparison pics, so it’s hard to tell what’s an actual change in appearance and what is just from me standing differently.  Just the same, here’s a couple comparison pics of me in a tank top.  Additionally, I took some pics of me in my favorite tank top that I own so I can do comparison pics with it in the future.  I feel like the angle I got in the front shot of that shirt shows my lats better, which have definitely grown and I wish I had a good pic from before to compare it to.

20150411_20150317_Front 20150411_20150317_Side

IMG_20150414_140927_452_cropped IMG_20150414_140209_760-1_resized

But wait, there’s more!  I haven’t given you the full body comparison shots yet!  Pre-T, 1 month, and 2 month.




So, looking at the measurements and the side pics, I can tell my stomach has fluctuated some.  One thing that the first and last pictures have in common, however, is that both were taken during my period, so I’m a little bloated, and that may very well be attributing to that little pudginess at the very bottom of my stomach in those pictures that isn’t there quite as much in the 1 month one (my period had already come and gone by this time last month).  Otherwise, when I look at the front comparison pictures, it definitely looks to me like I’m getting more definition in my abs as my transition is progressing.

I was also surprised to see some definition in my chest starting to develop in the pictures.  I had been able to see it happening when I looked in the mirror, I’ve been noticing my breasts becoming definitely less perky and being able to see my pecs beneath them now… and possibly got way too much enjoyment out of the fact that I can flex my pecs and see them move now.  Just the same, I didn’t expect it to show at all in the pictures since I’m covering a good portion of that region with my hands.  It’s not a huge amount of definition that is visible, but I’m definitely seeing some changes going on there.

In the back comparison… well, I just feel like I look so much bigger now than I did even a month ago, let alone pre-T.  I wasn’t expecting that big of a change, even though I guess the measurements I took should have indicated that I’d be seeing that.  I can definitely see how much my lats have grown in this comparison.  In all three sets of pictures, but especially the back one, I can see my traps are significantly bigger now as well.  This was another thing I could see to a certain extent in the mirror, but I definitely didn’t realize exactly how much it had changed until I was putting together these comparisons.

So, I mentioned that I’m currently on my period, unfortunately.  This is something that I can’t wait to have stop eventually.  This is my second one to start since I started T.  Typically this has been something that is a huge ordeal for me: debilitating stomach cramps and back pain, nausea and vomiting, ridiculous fatigue, and usually a pretty heavy flow… the first day being the worst, then the second being uncomfortable but not interfering with my day to day activities nearly as much.  This time around it’s been really light, just barely more than what I’d consider spotting.  There was a little back pain, but no stomach cramps or nausea at all.  The fatigue was not near as bad as normal either.  Cravings for sugary things were way stronger than normal, though, but I almost wonder if that is connected to the lack of nausea this time.  It’s possible that the nausea I experienced before kept the cravings away because it just made not want to eat anything for fear of it not staying down.  Overall it’s been a significantly more pleasant experience than I’m used to.  I still really look forward to just not having it at all, but it was a nice change of pace to not have to take a ton of ibuprofen just to make it through the first day.  In fact I was able to go to the gym the first day, though I had to talk myself into it because I wasn’t really feeling like it.  I have almost always skipped the gym the first day of my period in the past because of the cramps and nausea I usually have.  I wouldn’t say it’s been a good experience, it’s still my period, but it has been a relief to not have it take everything out of me like it used to.

Other changes I’ve been noticing… My skin, particularly on my face, has been more oily than I’m used to.  At first there was a little acne on my face, back and chest and I began mentally preparing myself for a complete breakout, but it never seemed to quite happen.  There were a few blemishes here and there, but never anything real bad… so I guess pretty comparable to when I went through puberty the first time, I never did get hit real hard by acne.  Granted, I still have a lot of time ahead of me for things to go crazy, but right now after a tiny increase things are back to normal already.  We’ll see what happens as time goes on.  Because of the oiliness I’m having to use face wash more these days.  It’s the first time I’ve actually been able to use products to wash my face without having it drying my face out, though.  I’ve actually noticed an improvement in that sense and feel that my complexion and skin health is surprisingly improving from what it was pre-T, especially my face.  The increased oil production seems to have fixed an imbalance that had left me with dry skin problems in certain areas before.

And finally, time for the voice recordings.  There’s not really a whole lot to say about this, just listen and you can hear how much it’s changed for yourself.  Getting further and further from my original very feminine, almost childish voice I started with.

Day 1
Month 1
Month 2

So yeah, that’s pretty much everything I can think of at the moment.  Expect another transition and general life update around the 8th, but the next big comparison post will be in a month.  So much has changed in the last month, more than I expected.  I’m really excited to see what next month’s comparisons show!

2 Weeks In

So didn’t really have a chance to write this yesterday, when I actually hit the 2 week mark, but one day late isn’t bad, right?  There’s not a whole lot to report on.  My voice seems to have dropped the tiniest bit again when I compare recordings, but I think it’ll still be another week or two before it’s an actual noticeable amount.  As it is, it really just sounds like I’m saying it a little different.  I made several attempts to record my voice trying to mimic the tone of voice of the original recording and they all sounded a bit lower than the first one, so I think it did actually drop a little and isn’t just me saying it different.  Just the same, I want to wait until I have a more definitive change in that regard before I post any voice recordings.

Beyond that, the only real change has been below the belt.  The first couple days of week 2 it was very intensely sensitive.  Just the feel of my underwear moving when I was walking around was bothersome and driving me crazy.  By the end of this last week, however, it seems to have evened out or I got used to it.  It’s definitely still more sensitive than before I started T, but it’s not so sensitive now that I don’t want to walk around.  There has also been a undeniable size change since pre-T down there.  That pretty much covers it, I think in the next couple weeks I’ll have more exciting news since it’s around the 3-4 week mark that I’ve heard some of the changes start happening.

In other news, my brother visited this week, just dropped him off at the airport this morning.  It was really nice to see him, I feel like I don’t see my brothers enough, but it costs money for us to visit each other since we live a couple states away now.  I wish I had had more time to actually go do things with him, but he seemed pretty happy just trying out local restaurants.  Unfortunately I still had class this week, so that interfered with the amount of time I had with him, especially since I had two exams this week.  The chemistry one wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t need to do much for it, but the math one I felt very unprepared for and was behind on homework, which he collects on test days.  There were a couple days of trying to get that homework done when he was visiting, and I felt bad for but he kept saying it was fine.  When I took the exam yesterday, I went in feeling like I was going to bomb it (I’m not bad at math, but he rushed through a lot of stuff that I didn’t know because he assumed his students came from a class that already covered most of it, but I tested into the class so had not done that) but ended up feeling really good about it afterwards, so we’ll see how I did when we get the tests back next week.  Hopefully it’ll have been worth the time I put into it instead of doing more fun things with my brother.

I ended up signing up for the Crossfit Open last week after they announced the first workout and I realized it was definitely within my ability to do the male division if I do the scaled version.  It makes me feel good about my abilities to look at the leader board on the Open website and see how many guys are below me in scaled, knowing that most, if not all, have been guys all their lives and I just started taking testosterone.  It hasn’t even been long enough for me to start really seeing much strength gain from it yet, especially since the only thing scored so far is the first workout which was a week ago.  It sounded like strength gains are one of those things that takes around 3 weeks to start really seeing.  Planning on doing the second workout today.  Have to do that one scaled as well, I’m not good at overhead squats yet (you can decide with each workout whether to scale it or not).  I’m excited to see where I sit on the leader board at the end of this.  As long as I’m not in last place, I’ll be happy, but after the first workout I don’t think I’ll be near last place at all, even though I won’t be ranked very high either.  When I looked the other day, before the second workout was announced, I was on the second to last page so had a lot more people sitting below me than I expected.

Whole30 Day 2

Okay, it’s more like day 4 since August and I started, but I’ve only started keeping track of exactly what I eat yesterday since our gym is doing a Whole30 challenge that started yesterday. The way they’re doing it is you get points for following the Whole30, exercising ( only get points for up to 5 days a week to encourage people to take two off days), getting 8 hours of sleep, and spending 20 minutes doing something relaxing that does not involve technology (reading, napping, mobility / stretching, so long as it doesn’t involve electronics in any way).  You also get a point for any new personal records (PR) you set on any major fitness category, such as the weightlifting movements or mile runs.  What they did last time, and I suspect will happen again, is they did a WOD the first day and did that same one again on the 30th day to see how much people improved.  At the end of the 30 days, they total up the points from all the good behavior and they are planning to give prizes to the individuals that did the best.  A fun way to encourage people to pick up better habits, not just in their diet but in their overall lives.  I really like that they give points for getting an adequate amount of sleep and for taking some time to do something relaxing every day.  It’s a great way to help people do things that will better help them manage their stress levels and just be healthier overall.  I’m also fond of having a maximum amount of points for working out every week to avoid people over training themselves just to get more points.  Off days are just as important as the training days themselves.  So yeah, anyway, I’m participating in this since August and I were going to be doing a Whole30 this month anyway.

Yesterday, day one of the gym sponsored Whole30, I got pretty much everything that I could get points for, despite spending 6 hours at work.  I had eggs, bacon, and onion for breakfast, put a paleo sriracha sauce that August made on the eggs, so good!  Then had a single cup of coffee with homemade hazelnut milk in it.  I miss my heavy cream in my coffee because it made it so thick and creamy, but I can deal with this for 30 days no problem, hazelnuts were meant to go with coffee.  Then I brought left over paleo chocolate chili that August made over the weekend, and added a little homemade olive oil mayo to it, which has a similar effect as putting sour cream in chili so was a good replacement.  I also brought an orange with me for lunch.  I used my 30 minute lunch break at work to read while I worked, so got my technology free relaxation time in.  Then I went to the gym as soon as I got off work and did this terrible WOD:

“Fortius Chipper”
– For Time –
100 Double Unders
70 KB Swings
60 Wall Balls
50 V-Ups
40 Goblet Squats
30 Burpee Pull Ups
10 Muscle Ups

[30 Minute Cap]

O/R: Singles, Light Russian, 8/4#, Situps, Air Squats, Burpees, Box HSPU, Ring Rows
Beg: Singles (3x), 35/26#, 14/8#, Burpee Jumping PU, Box HSPU, Ring Dips
Int: 53/35#, 20/14#, Ring Dips (2x)
Adv: 70/53#, 20/14#

For those that don’t know, double unders are jump roping in which the rope passes under you twice each jump.  I basically did it at the male beginner level, which means 300 singles (I can’t do double unders very well yet), 35# kettle bell for the kettle bell swings, 14# ball for the wall balls, and did hand stand push ups (HSPU) from a box… I can do HSPU but not a whole lot at once yet, and definitely not after all the stuff that came before that part of the workout.  I did normal burpee pull ups, though, instead of the burpee jumping pull ups, so that was the one movement out of the workout I did at intermediate level.  I just finished the box HSPU when time ran out, so didn’t make it to the ring dips.  It was one second for every missed rep, so that put me at 30:10.  Looking forward to seeing my score on this next time we do it, I have a feeling I’ll improve a lot.

When I got home from the gym, we had dinner, which was citrus-garlic marinated steak that turned out really delicious and tender!  We had a mixture of veggies with it: bell pepper, carrots, and kale.  For the fat we just drizzled a little olive oil over it.  That was the hardest thing for me the first time I did a Whole30, making sure I got enough fat in my meals.  Too little and you end up hungry again real quick, but if you get enough it’s easy to make it to the next meal without snacking.  Despite a couple things waking me up in the middle of the night, I got my 8 hours of sleep.

So far today I’ve had eggs scrabbled with onion and kale and I mixed together the sriracha and homemade mayo to make a creamy sriracha sauce. Naturally, I had another cup of coffee with hazelnut milk in it.  Plan to go to the noon crossfit class today and today’s strength is max testing the clean and jerk, so should get a PR for a bonus point today.  I probably won’t post about every day of the Whole30, but I’ll be sure to update every few days or so and to link any recipes that were particularly delicious for those that want to check them out.

New Beginnings

As it always seems to happen when I sit down to write, I realize it’s been quite a while since I last wrote a post.  A lot has happened lately.  I finished my first semester of school, got out of the military, and started a new part-time job for a little extra money while I’m in school.  Two of the three months have passed since the CT scan that I wrote about having gotten in my last post, so one more month until I get another one to make sure the ground glass nodule they saw is going away and was just related to me being sick a little before the first scan.  With all the good changes happening, I’ve been doing a pretty good job keeping that health concern out of my mind and focusing on other things at least.  So about those other things…

As I said, finished my first semester at the community college I’m going to and did pretty well despite having to balance 14 credits worth of online classes with long days at work.  It was especially stressful when the replacement for my boss who had just retired came in and decided we weren’t leaving until a certain time, regardless of whether we had actual work to do during that time or not.  That resulted in frequently being stuck at work doing absolutely nothing when I could have been home working on schoolwork.  After he got there, I had a lot of 9-10 hour days there.  But that’s not something I have to worry about anymore.  My military days ended just in time to start the new year as a civilian.  I’m excited that I can focus on school and work my new job around my classes rather than my classes around a job I don’t intend to stick with.  This will be the first time I’ve been in a position in which I’m truly able to make school my top priority.  I’ve always had to work full-time and deal with family chaos when I’ve gone to school in the past, so I’m really looking forward to this new semester starting up and having so much less on my plate this time around.

Then there’s the new job, a certified technician at a retail store.  Nothing terribly special, but allows me to put my technical skills to use while I focus on school.  The best thing about this job is this:

Featured image

It’s only been a couple days since I started this job, but it’s so nice to be able to go by my chosen name at work.  It’s like a weight has been lifted off me, no longer having to worry about if the people I work with figure out I’m trans, no more having the knowledge hanging over me that who I am is banned where I work.  When I told my new manager about it and that I intend to start transitioning in the near future, he seemed genuinely excited for me and congratulated me on getting out of the military and being able to transition.  He also made sure to tell me that if anybody gives me a hard time about it to let him know immediately.  I feel pretty good about this new job for that reason, for being so easy to work around my school schedule, and for how low stress it is for me.  Even with both this job and school, I’ll have way more time off to do whatever than I’ve had in a really long time, so much more time to unwind and get chores and such taken care of.

Speaking of transitioning, I think sometime in the next couple weeks August and I will be going to the clinic to start the process to get my transition moving along, as well as to see about August’s needs as he continues his HRT.  From what I understand, as somebody that hasn’t started any treatment at all, it’s about a month from when you first go into the clinic to when they actually give you a prescription.  I’m not starting as soon as I had originally been hoping, but it’s still so close.  It seems so unreal that I’ll actually get to start sometime soon!

So I started the new year off as a civilian and with a new job in which I can be myself.  In addition to that, August and I have started another Whole30.  It seemed like a good idea to get back on track with healthy eating after the holidays.  I did get pictures and measurements to compare at the end of the 30 days, but will wait until then to post them.  I’m mostly just wanting to get back to good eating behavior, as well as back into working out regularly now that my schedule allows for it.  That was another thing that suffered with the long hours at my old job, especially after the last couple months.  It feels good just knowing I’m in a position to better take care of myself again, and I’m sure it’ll feel even better as I continue on with this plan and improve my health.  Hopefully I’ll be back in good enough shape to start looking at doing CrossFit competitions again before I know it.  The one I got to participate in before was a blast, and I really want to do more.

So, that catches you up on most of what I’ve got going on right now.  Hopefully I’ll have more to post about and make more regular posts now that I’m not so busy, but we’ll see how it goes after school starts up.  At any rate, 2015 I think is my year.  I’ve started it off well already and still have so much to look forward to this year.

School, Work, and Life

So I know I had things I wanted to write about, but now that I have a good opportunity to sit down and write, it all seems to have left me and I can’t seem to remember what it was that I specifically wanted to discuss. Oh well, can’t be terribly important if I can’t remember, right? Maybe it’ll come back to me later. In the meantime I’ll just write about whatever comes to mind. I still want to write that part two to my previous blog post about my history, but that requires a much more serious and deeper mood than I’m in or want to be in right at this moment.

Things are going pretty well right now. I’m registered for classes starting this fall. Online classes since I’ll still be working then, but should be free to physically go to classrooms come spring semester. I’m really excited about eventually not having to worry about scheduling things and working around a work schedule that is unpredictable and takes me out of town or out of country so much. This will be the first time since reaching adulthood that I’ll be able to focus on school and not have to balance a full time job with it. I’m really grateful that August is giving me this opportunity. It’ll be a little bit of role reversal as I shift towards school and he, having recently graduated, eventually finds a job and becomes the primary source of income for a while.

Speaking of not working, I have a little over 5 months left at my job, which is really exciting. If you haven’t read my previous posts, it is because of my job that I haven’t started physically transitioning yet, and have only socially transitioned in my personal life. Still living as female as far as work is concerned. I’m fulfilling my contractual obligations, but am eager to move on to the next stage of my life. August and I have talked about how early I’d probably be able to start T without it making too noticeable of a change before I leave this job. What we’ve discussed is possibly starting about a month before my last day. At that point, even if they catch on, which seems unlikely, it would take them longer to kick me out than it would take to just let me leave as planned. Some Google research has told me that with the policy at a specific local health care system, I’d need to visit them about a month prior to when I’d want to start. So, little over 5 months until I’m done with this job, 4 months until I could be starting T if I go ahead with what August and I have been considering, which would mean in a little over 3 months I could be at the clinic getting blood tests and starting the process.

After waiting so long and watching August transition and reading about others’experiences here on WordPress, it’s a little overwhelming to think that my turn is finally coming up. For so long it felt like it was so far away, this thing I could see on the horizon but never seemed to get any closer, and then all of a sudden it’s there right in front of me. I’ve dealt with a lot of depression issues during this period of waiting since I came out to friends and family as trans. It’s been hard to go back and forth between being myself at home and in my personal life and falling back behind that mask that I wore for so much of my life while I’m at work. To work in a male dominated environment where nearly every day the fact that I’m physically a woman is brought to my attention, that results in certain behaviors and treatment by coworkers… The holding back on jokes because they are afraid of offending the woman in their company, the insisting on taking anything heavy from me and carrying it for me, the asking my advice about women and what their girlfriend or wife might like as a gift, often jewelry related, because obviously as a woman I would have some insight for them despite the fact that I’m not exactly feminine in appearance, behavior, or interests. There is rarely a day that goes by that the fact that I’m not one of the guys to them isn’t made painfully obvious. The social dysphoria I feel in the workplace is a challenge to deal with. The idea that this is nearly over and I can be living as a man in all aspects of my life in the near future is a very powerful thought. I feel a little less burdened, a little brighter with each passing day now. Soon I’ll go to the clinic, soon I’ll start hormone therapy, soon I will be forever done with this job and this double life. I know transitioning comes with its own challenges and it won’t fix everything, but I look forward to facing these challenges as me and finally taking off the mask for good.

Granted, we’ll see what my insurance situation is then, I’ll have to use whatever coverage August gets when he gets a new job since I obviously can’t use the health care provided by my job. Not sure what the out of pocket expenses would be without insurance. Everything I’ve read and knowing how much August’s T costs, the prescription itself we should be able to afford, but I’m more concerned about the clinical visits and the blood tests. I’ll have to look into that more in case things don’t go quite like I hope in regards to insurance. It may set me back on when I’d like to begin my transition, but hopefully not by too much. I do have options for after I get out of my current job if we don’t get adequate insurance from wherever August ends up working, but I’d have to wait until I am officially done with work and I suspect the process is probably longer than the clinic I’ve looked into.

In other news, things are going well on the fitness front. I recently hit 205 lbs on my one rep max deadlift, which was exciting. That’s about 1.71 times my body weight, so closing in on being able to deadlift two of me. I feel like I have more personal records to beat in other lifts coming soon as well. Getting back into things after our trip to San Fransisco is going well. My strength hadn’t left, though my endurance suffered after those 3 weeks of not working out, but it’s coming back quickly and I’m finding myself starting to perform closer to my expectations again. I’m looking into participating in my first crossfit competition soon, if I can find people to form a team with. I decided to compete as female, even though most the people at my gym know me as a guy, since I haven’t started T yet. I’m trying to be realistic about my performance capabilities since, regardless of how I identify, I’m facing the same physical limitations any woman would face. It just makes me that much more excited to see how much my strength grows when I do start and future competitions that I’ll be able to enter as male.

The whole 30 is going pretty well, I’m not taking it too seriously though. I just finished a whole 30 recently and my birthday was just the other day and I wanted a birthday dessert. Everybody deserves a birthday dessert. I think the next time I do a whole 30, August and I are considering doing it once a year, I’ll do a better job planning it for when there are no special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) or major holidays. That really seems to be the only times we feel that tempted to cheat. Outside of that it’s not all that different from our normal mostly paleo eating habits. Other than dairy in the form of heavy cream in our coffee and occasionally eating rice, most the time we have anything that isn’t whole 30 approved is when we eat out, which we don’t do that often.

Anyway, much like last time, I’m feeling leaner and stronger during this. I’m looking forward to taking measurements and after pictures at the end of this to see what my results are. I haven’t felt much of a change in my energy levels or digestion and such that I felt during the last whole 30, but again there wasn’t much time between that one and this one, about a month, so there wasn’t as much to work out of my system this time around. The results will likely be less dramatic this time around since it is so soon after the first one.

I feel like this pretty much sums up the current events of my life right now. I’m sure the other stuff I had wanted to write about will come back to me later, hopefully at a time that I’ll actually be able to do some writing.

Whole 30 Results

Okay, so took measurements yesterday since my Whole 30 ended.  Keep in mind that I am only 5’1″ when you look at those measurements.  Between the Whole 30 and attending my awesome crossfit gym, here are the comparative 30 day measurements.


Before               After                     Difference

Weight              119.2 lbs          117.6 lbs              -1.6 lbs
Neck                  13.25″                13.5″                     +0.25″
Shoulders        37.75″               38″                         +0.25″
Biceps               11.5″                   11.5″                        —–
Forearms         9.5″                     9.5″                          —–
Chest                 29.5″                  31.5″                        +2″
Waist                 28.5″                  28.25″                    -0.25″
Hips                   35.5″                   35″                          -0.5″
Thighs                 22″                     22″                         —–
Calves                12.5″                  12.5″                       —–


So, the changes of a slight loss of weight and inches in waist and hips, and gaining of inches in the neck, shoulders, and torso may be indicative of loss of body fat and gaining of muscle, especially when paired up with comments I’ve received from people on my appearance lately.  Multiple people I work with or friends that have visited after not seeing me for a couple weeks during the Whole 30 have commented on how I look like I’ve lost weight, despite the weight loss being a pretty negligible amount, and look noticeably leaner.  Additionally, August mentioned that he is able to see more definition in my back muscles now, which would theoretically mean less fat covering those muscles.  Things I’ve noticed myself have been more definition in my shoulders, arms, and upper abs.  The veins in my arms definitely seem closer to my skin than they were before.  I also feel as if my face looks a little thinner in the mirror.

I reintroduced dairy yesterday and will be reintroducing something else this weekend, though I haven’t decided which thing I want to reintroduce next yet.  As for daily eating habits after the reintroduction period is over, I intend to stay pretty close to the Whole 30 for a while still, except for having heavy cream in my coffee and having protein shakes instead of full meals after working out.  I’m hoping that the fat burning will continue until I get to a body fat percentage that I’d like to have.  After that, I’ll be shifting my focus to muscle building so will be changing my diet to something more appropriate for that.

That’s pretty much all I have for today.  It’s exciting to see the results I’ve gotten from the Whole 30 and crossfit so far.  I’ll post more about how the reintroduction process is going next week when I’ve gotten through more of the stuff I’ll be reintroducing and seen how my body reacts to them.  I’ll probably start posting pictures every so often for comparison as I continue towards my fitness goals.